


i feel faded

by TheMoonByNight



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 19:38:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6252913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMoonByNight/pseuds/TheMoonByNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can feel yourself pulling away from everyone as the days pass and the mood doesn’t go away. They’re just so energetic all the time and you feel like it's sucking the life out of you to paste on a smile and engage in the conversation. You head back to your dorm everyday after class or practice and find yourself staring at your hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dex's POV

Nursey’s been distant lately.

It’s stupid of you to even notice, honestly, because you’re not even that close. You play on the same team, and hang out all the time, and you had thought maybe your relationship was something more than just casual friends, but really. You guys aren’t that close.

It still kind of hurts whenever Nursey brushes you off after practice. You’d ask him to go get pizza or maybe a coffee, and he’d smile politely and shake his head, saying something along the lines of “I made other plans.” or “I’ve got a bunch of homework to do.” You smile back and   
nod, and say “Maybe next time.” while inside you cringe and wonder if there ever will be. 

You still have other friends to hang out with though, and so you do. You go to the Haus with Chowder or Bitty and find better things to do with your time than wonder if you did something wrong. Chowder makes you laugh so hard once milk comes out of your nose, and Bitty starts to teach you how to cook. You enjoy it a lot more than you thought you would, and you catch yourself wondering whether Nursey would like the peach cobbler you made. You put that thought to the side. 

Once or twice, Nursey shows up at the Haus, bag on his shoulder looking just as hipster-y as normal. But when you take a close look at his face, you see how bloodshot his eyes are and notice how his smile looks painted on. You get up from where you were doing homework on the table and stand in front of him. You bit your lip, wondering what you could say to him; comforting people has never been your strong suit. 

“Dex?” he says after a minute, sounding more than a little exhausted. His hands are clenched at his sides and find yourself wanting to uncurl his fingers. You look away and then blow out a breath.

“You haven’t been around as much lately.” You say. It’s much more accusing than you wanted it to be and you wince. 

“I’ve been busy. I told you.” Nursey says. His smile is back and you know, you know, he is hiding something from you. 

“I remember. Is there- did I do something wrong?” you say. You look down at both of your feet instead of his face- he’s wearing a fairly nice pair of shoes (in the back of your head you laugh at the fact that he wore them to class) and you just have on socks. It feels like forever you look at them before he responds. 

“No. No, you didn’t. I’m sorry I gave you that impression.” Nursey says. His voice is robotic and you search his face as if it will help you divine what exactly you said to make him sound like that. It betrays nothing and you sigh, just a little bit. This is not how you wanted this conversation to go. 

“I just. What’s wrong?” you say after a pause. His head tilts to the side, as if debating with himself, and then he smiles. It startles you- it’s not made of plastic, and is genuinely real. Seeing the real smile again was jarring- Dex hadn’t realized how much the other one looked out of place on his face. 

“I haven’t felt so well these past few weeks. Sorry if I made you feel like it was you.” he says. You look at him again and frown. That was just vague enough to not make sense and he did it one purpose. You can feel your temper start to boil a bit just beneath the surface and you fold your arms over your chest. 

“What do you mean haven’t felt well? You’ve been at practice.” you say. This time, it comes out just as accusatory as you meant it to. Something in Nursey’s face shifts, but you can’t exactly tell what. 

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” 

“I just- I haven’t.” Nursey seems to struggle for a second with his words and you fight to keep the surprise off your face. You’ve never seen him worry about what to say before. He’s always the one with the smart ass come back or the witty interjection. 

“I just. Feel off lately. Things aren’t as- Everything has just kind of lost its color. And I don’t always. Feel present. If you get me.” Nursey says, stuttering over his sentences. “It’s hard to be around you guys all the time when you guys are so up and I don’t feel anywhere close to that.” You narrow your eyes, trying to understand the explanation and he looks away. It takes you a minute to realize he thinks you're judging him, and the thought makes you drop your arms. 

“Well, I’m going to be honest with you and say that I don’t really get that.” you see his fist curl tighter. “But I’m still here for you when you need me to be. I’ll try to understand and help.” 

He looks up at you then, a small and vulnerable expression on his face, and you find yourself reaching out to hug him without really even thinking it through. It’s a tense couple seconds while he registers your hug, and you wonder if this something cool, something bros do to comfort one another, and then he’s hugging back, face in the crook of your shoulder. He shudders once and then relaxes in your hold. 

“Got your back.” you whisper and you can feel him smile.


	2. Nursey POV

You’re in the locker room. You’re sitting down in your stall. The team is laughing around you. It’s loud but it all sounds like static and oh, you are overwhelmed. 

You can feel the air on your bare chest, because you’re still holding your shirt in your hands instead of putting it on. It’s not quite cold in the room, but you just took a shower so you’re feeling the chill. You decide to focus on that feeling rather than the fact that you feel like you’re about to fall apart. 

That has been happening more and more lately. 

Once you more or less get yourself together, you feel someone’s eyes on you. You look up from where you were staring unseeingly at your shirt and catch Dex’s eye. His eyes are narrowed in something you’ve come to know as confusion. But his gaze almost feels accusatory, so you look away. 

Later, he asks you to go hang out and you decline, citing homework. In reality you’re probably going to go lay on your bed, waiting until an appropriate time to go to sleep. You don’t feel as though your have energy for anything else. He doesn’t look upset by the refusal, but you know looks aren’t everything and you still feel bad. 

It hits you while you’re laying on top of your covers, that you both hang out often and if this...mood continues, you’re going to have to keep refusing him. You really love hanging out with him- a big improvement from the days when all you could do was argue- and the way he makes you laugh, often by making sarcastic comments under his breath. But you don’t feel up to it and you don’t want to let him down by being less than present. You worry about it briefly but then thinking about it becomes to much, so you let it go.

You can feel yourself pulling away from everyone as the days pass and the mood doesn’t go away. They’re just so energetic all the time and you feel like it's sucking the life out of you to paste on a smile and engage in the conversation. You head back to your dorm everyday after class or practice and find yourself staring at your hands. 

There’s nothing interesting about them. But your head's to heavy to find something else to look at and nothing else seems worth it. You know you’ve got homework, that you’ve had homework for the past few days that isn’t done, but you can’t bring yourself to get up and do it. You’re so tired. 

Your thoughts drift from your homework to your parents. Your mom is probably at work right now, on shift at the hospital, and your mamá is most likely closing up the little herbal shop she opened a few years ago. You haven’t spoken in a while and you briefly wonder if they miss you at all. It’s stupid- of course they miss you- but it’s the right motivation for you to pick up the phone and make sure. 

Your mom picks up on the first ring, her voice husky in a way that tells you she was just asleep. 

“Derek, baby, hey! It’s been so long since we talked, how are you? How’s the team?” She says. You briefly think of why you started hanging out by yourself more and then open your mouth to speak. 

“I’m fine. The team’s fine. How’s Mom?” you ask. Your voice sounds off and you wince, knowing your mother isn’t going to let that go. 

“She’s good. Derek, are you sure you’re alright? You sound weird. You sick?” her voice is probing and filled with motherly concern. You feel yourself smile a little as you think about the days when she could tell with one question what had made you upset at school.

“I-” you think about lying to her and decide not to bother. She could see right through you anyway. “I’ve just been feeling so weird lately, and I don’t know what to do about it.” You can feel your eyes start to burn and you abruptly feel so stupid. Yes, this “mood” thing has kind of been taking over your life but it’s not something you need to whine about to your mother.

“Sweetheart. What do you mean?”

“I just. I just don’t feel like I’ve got enough energy to do anything. I’m sorry, this is stupid.” he says, almost desperate to end the conversation. 

“Honey, you can tell me what’s wrong.” She’s quieter than normal, but her voice is soothing. 

“I’m just so out of it lately- I can’t bring myself to do anything, and hanging out with anyone feel like running a marathon. I don’t know.” Your voice sounds tired, even to you and you wonders how she’s going to interrupt that.

“Did something happen that made you feel this way?” She asks. You shakes you head before realizing that she can’t see you.  
“No.”

“Well… I can’t really do anything since I’m not there… Do you want me to send something? Do you want us to come up?” She says after a pause. 

“No- you don’t have to come up. It’s okay. Do you have any new tea flavors? I know you were working on some the last time we talked.” You say, feeling disappointed even though you known she wouldn’t be able to do anything. It was stupid thing to get your hopes up about it anyway. 

Your mom goes off on her tangent, like you’d known she would, even though her voice is still hesitant. When she starts to say goodbye, you can hear the worry in her voice. 

“You take care of yourself, okay baby? I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You say, hanging up the phone. You tuck your phone into your pocket and lay back on your pillow. You fall asleep almost immediately. 

The mood does persist, and you spend more and more time alone. It’s boring, but everything else is overwhelming and makes you want to sleep and never wake up again. Dex continues to ask you to hang out, and you continue to refuse. You continue to feel bad. 

After a while, you work up the energy to go to the Haus. It’s loud but you sit at the table and slowly work through your homework. It’s not as horrible as all your social interactions have been lately. It’s improvement. 

You come to the Haus again, a few days later, hoping for the same kind of experience as before. And maybe some pie. But Dex is sitting at the table and when he sees you, you can see something similar to way he looks when you fight in his eyes. You quickly smile to try to deter him. 

He doesn’t speak after a moment and you get worried. You fidget in the silence until finally you can’t take it anymore. 

“Dex?” You sound tired- probably because you haven’t been speaking as much lately. You want to clear your throat but hold back on the impulse. Dex still isn’t speaking. You curl your fist, ready to just leave.

“You haven’t been around as much lately.” He says after a minute, tone implying that he knows something is up with you and he’s not happy about it. You want to flinch but hold your smile in place. 

“I’ve been busy. I told you.” you say. 

“I remember. Is there- did I do something wrong?” Dex says. He’s looking away from you and you feel horrible. He looks almost betrayed and you mentally berate yourself for not thinking about how he would feel about you essentially avoiding him. It takes you a long time to get a hold of yourself before you speak again. 

“No. No, you didn’t. I’m sorry I gave you that impression.” you say. Your voice is a little better, if more stilted. Dex watches you for a moment, and you hope you mask isn’t crumbling. 

“I just. What’s wrong?” He says. You weren’t expecting that question at all- you’d expected Dex to ask you about avoiding the team and then accept it when you said he’d been very busy lately and tired enough that he didn’t want to deal with the team. You smiles at the concern but you don’t really feel like discussing how you’ve been feeling. You still half feel like you're all making it up anyway. 

“I haven’t felt so well these past few weeks. Sorry if I made you feel like it was you.” you say. He stares at you and you want to squirm. The fiery look is back on his face and feel yourself wilting. You don’t have the energy to fight right now. 

“What do you mean haven’t felt well? You’ve been at practice.” he says, accusatory and angry. You don’t want to fight. You don’t even want to talk anyone. You look away from him and shift your bag on your shoulder. 

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” 

“I just- I haven’t.” You briefly wonder if you get away with a lie and bite your lip. What is Dex going to say if you tell the truth? You can’t tell if he would believe you. 

“I just. Feel off lately. Things aren’t as- Everything has just kind of lost its color. And I don’t always. Feel present. If you get me.” You say finally, fucking up the explanation you had planned in your head. “It’s hard to be around you guys all the time when you guys are so up and I don’t feel anywhere close to that.” He stares at you, eyes narrowed. He doesn’t believe you. You blow out a breath and then another, trying to get rid of the burning behind your eyes. It’s a stupid thing to cry about. It’s stupid. 

“Well, I’m going to be honest with you and say that I don’t really get that.” Dex says. You shift closer to the door, ready to leave. “But I’m still here for you when you need me to be. I’ll try to understand and help.” 

You look up at him almost as soon as the words are out of his mouth. The burning sensation in your eyes is still there, but it’s fading already. You hadn’t realized how much it would mean to you to have Dex- someone who you were 86.76% sure wasn’t going to believe you, say he’d try to help. It takes a moment for you to realize in the whiplash state you’re in, that he’s reaching out to hug you. His arms are wrapped around your torso and you slowly reach up to put your hands around his back. His beefy than you remember him being your freshman year. Samwell suits him. You sigh because this is not the time nor the place for those thoughts, and hug him a little closer. You can indulge in this right now. You’re allowed. 

After a long silence, which isn’t uncomfortable in the slightest, you hear him whisper “Got your back.” You smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Comment and tell what me what you think! I've never written/posted something in 2nd person before, did I do well?

**Author's Note:**

> I started this about a weekish ago, and I'm actually really proud of it. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, a way to express how I've been feeling lately. In no way am I trying to speak about what depression is, or how it affects everyone! This is just my own experiences put onto one of my favorite characters.


End file.
